See that person up there in the photo? That's me. I dream big dreams, and like to make crazy ideas come to life. I'm the person behind the words.
I also suffer from grief and brokenness. Mary Chapin Carpenter sang, “sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.” That pretty much sums up what I feel like - a lot. There are days I think I'm strong, seeing things as clear as glass. Other days, I'm splattered, flat ass on the glass with my guts hanging out for everyone to see, just trying to find something to cling to. Karma? Maybe. There were those 52 Facebook messages that I didn't forward to ten people and type AMEN!
Mostly I’ve had a beautiful life - except when it wasn’t. Following are the most profound things that ever happened to me: I married the man I loved since we were both 13; pushed three beautiful, amazing children down the slide of my vagina out into the world; held my husband in my arms as he died; and a brief 58 days later, I held our youngest daughter in my arms as I watched her die. Both from cancer
Those last two were soul crushing. I literally didn't want to breathe anymore. It almost sucked the life out of me forever. For a while it did.
But that's not all to this backstory. Besides my grandparents, when my father died in 2000, that was the biggest loss I had ever experienced. Until June of 2004 when my son-in-law died of melanoma. The loss of my daughter meant that my two grandsons had lost both of their parents by ages 15 and 18. For most of their young lives they have dealt with sickness and death within their home. Their lives have endured more tragedy and hell then any child should have too. I am proud of them for surviving and continuing to make positive, forward strides in their lives - despite it all.
To add to all of this - last year my mother had three strokes and our family lost my mother-in-law. The most recent loss was my best friend, "my person" throughout all these bad things, and a second "Mom" to my 3 children. She died of brain cancer.
My family and I have been through some really crappy bad things. In fact, it's been a real crap-happening storm of monumental proportions. But these things can and do happen to everyone. There is nothing special about my family or myself because we appear to be "OK." (and I stress the word 'appear') We didn't have a choice. No one does.
Eventually I figured out that staying in my PJ's all day thinking that life sucks is not productive. It's just not. At some point I realized that every day I have the ability to do well in the world. The choice to see either the bad or good in people and situations. Easy? No. But I believe that we all have to keep trying to be more than the bad stuff that happens to us. Impossible stuff can get easier.
Breathe, Grieve, Believe (BGB) and my pending book, Beneath the Surface, are most likely a result of my need for therapy. That and my desperation to try and make some kind of stupid sense of the chaos my life was left in. This is my truth.
If you are reading this you are probably in pain and suffering with loss too - I'm sorry. And if you're not now, you will be someday. Bad stuff happens to all of us. It's inevitability can't be denied. I hope you find something useful here.
©2017 susanfurniss.com
I also suffer from grief and brokenness. Mary Chapin Carpenter sang, “sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.” That pretty much sums up what I feel like - a lot. There are days I think I'm strong, seeing things as clear as glass. Other days, I'm splattered, flat ass on the glass with my guts hanging out for everyone to see, just trying to find something to cling to. Karma? Maybe. There were those 52 Facebook messages that I didn't forward to ten people and type AMEN!
Mostly I’ve had a beautiful life - except when it wasn’t. Following are the most profound things that ever happened to me: I married the man I loved since we were both 13; pushed three beautiful, amazing children down the slide of my vagina out into the world; held my husband in my arms as he died; and a brief 58 days later, I held our youngest daughter in my arms as I watched her die. Both from cancer
Those last two were soul crushing. I literally didn't want to breathe anymore. It almost sucked the life out of me forever. For a while it did.
But that's not all to this backstory. Besides my grandparents, when my father died in 2000, that was the biggest loss I had ever experienced. Until June of 2004 when my son-in-law died of melanoma. The loss of my daughter meant that my two grandsons had lost both of their parents by ages 15 and 18. For most of their young lives they have dealt with sickness and death within their home. Their lives have endured more tragedy and hell then any child should have too. I am proud of them for surviving and continuing to make positive, forward strides in their lives - despite it all.
To add to all of this - last year my mother had three strokes and our family lost my mother-in-law. The most recent loss was my best friend, "my person" throughout all these bad things, and a second "Mom" to my 3 children. She died of brain cancer.
My family and I have been through some really crappy bad things. In fact, it's been a real crap-happening storm of monumental proportions. But these things can and do happen to everyone. There is nothing special about my family or myself because we appear to be "OK." (and I stress the word 'appear') We didn't have a choice. No one does.
Eventually I figured out that staying in my PJ's all day thinking that life sucks is not productive. It's just not. At some point I realized that every day I have the ability to do well in the world. The choice to see either the bad or good in people and situations. Easy? No. But I believe that we all have to keep trying to be more than the bad stuff that happens to us. Impossible stuff can get easier.
Breathe, Grieve, Believe (BGB) and my pending book, Beneath the Surface, are most likely a result of my need for therapy. That and my desperation to try and make some kind of stupid sense of the chaos my life was left in. This is my truth.
If you are reading this you are probably in pain and suffering with loss too - I'm sorry. And if you're not now, you will be someday. Bad stuff happens to all of us. It's inevitability can't be denied. I hope you find something useful here.
©2017 susanfurniss.com